Today was one of those days were one thing piles onto another and so on. Until you just take off your glasses and put your head in your hands for a half hour.
Once I came back up, I just wanted to the day to end, there was still more shit to be piled.
I started my day in court, and as I said before even things that can feel like victories and not. They still hurt, and crush your spirit.
My mom sent me some stuff I’m reading through about how the harder I try to release the stress the harder the stress pushes back on me. I can definitely feel that.
I sat and wrote a song tonight. First one in a year or so. It helped me push some of this out of me in a more positive way than drinking. Although a few shots of whiskey sounded delightful.
Today was a very successful day at work. I accomplished a ton and moved some major projects forward.
There were a couple moments today though that I sat and the thoughts of my finances, legal battle, and other struggles ran across my mind. I shook my head and sat there for a moment and let the fear wash over me. I noticed my stress level rise, my heart start to beat and I lost focus.
Fortunately I was so busy with work that I refocused on my task at hand and moved on.
The stress, fear, and frustration is just there under the surface. I wonder if it will always be there or if it can eventually go away. There always seems to be something just under the skin and when I take notice it grows into an overwhelming cancer. I worry that if I don’t do something to fix it, it will get worse and overwhelm, yet there doesn’t seem to be anything I can really do about it.
My biggest, confusing, and fearful question is what do I do about it? Do I ignore it all or try to fix it all?
Today was one of those days that there was way too much to accomplish and not enough time. I was able to focus and prioritize and get some stuff done.
My lawyer called this morning and I felt that ball of stress rolling around in my stomach and that anger building up. I stood out in the ramp and watched a couple helicopters take off, took a couple deep breaths and refocused.
I like days like this, where the work load can eclipse the Bullshit going on in my head and I can focus. It is strange to me how extreme pressure focuses my thoughts into one stream. It doesn’t make the situation any less stressful but it is productive.
I know being busy isn’t a substitute for moving beyond where I currently am within myself. It is a nice reprieve for the day.
When I finally slow down for the day all the bullshit is still there, just waiting to jump into my head and start swirling around.
Im going to attempt to get up early and do my Wim Hoff meditation and yoga again. It does help, although it doesn’t really fix the root problem, which I still don’t know exactly what that is.
Today was my day to celebrate Aidens birthday with him. He’s turning 9 and we made it a big one. Took a group of his closest friends down to St George for Fiesta Fun. He said it was his best birthday yet.
Last year his mother and i tried to do it together and it was forced and he felt that. He didn’t enjoy his birthday and I swore to myself I would make sure his birthdays are always the best one yet.
Personally I’m trying to learn how to trust God with my legal and financial BS that is happening. I’m in a place where I have no choice. I’m going to drive myself crazy if I continue allowing fear to run my thought processes.
In my current situation in my legal battle, even a day of victory is somewhat bitter. Small victories are comforting because you finally stop losing for once and start really fighting back. But you know it’s just more damage being done. The war is far from over, but little victories tend to reinvigorate the fight. I hope in all this I can be the son written about by Douglas MacArthur,
Douglas MacArthur said, “Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.”
Short entry today.
My thoughts are all jumbled up and all over the place. Can’t really formulate an idea at this moment.
As this legal battle ensues it makes for some tough days. I know I’m not supposed to fear and what’s going to happen will happen. But those ideas don’t make walking it out any easier. I think everyone fears in the beginning, atleast for a little bit of the journey.
Breaking is necessary yet the process sucks. I think that’s where I am now, the breaking moments. Where the mind, will, heart, and emotions get taken down a few notches and reset.
I woke this morning with a message from my mom. She basically said, that my thoughts, actions, and reactions were being done out of fear. Fear of what could happen if I lose everything.
She reminded me of another thing Bob Nichols speaks about and that is determining what the absolute worst outcome could be, come to terms with that and then don’t let fear control you.
She also started teaching me about Landmark Education and a leadership course she has been attending. I hope to get some more from her on this new idea if thinking through tough situations.
Today was a very stress filled day at work, ended up working a few hours late. When I got home I cleaned a bit, ate, and did some meditating and breathing exercises for a while. It was good to go into my office and decompress in a positive way. I’m hoping to get back on my morning schedule tomorrow. We shall see how that works.
I will leave you with a note Melissa wrote on my office wall for me while I was away. “There is enough fire inside you to out hell to shame, but you are pretending to be water for someone who is too afraid to handle the demons inside. Stop crushing the thing that makes you! Embrace the flames. Be whole again for yourself and No One Else!”