I made my decision. Instead of wallowing and being a victim I chose to accept it all and move forward. For today, I’m at some sort of peace, regardless of the fact my series of shitty situations haven’t really improved. The victories and loses are in my mind, and either feed or poison my heart.
It feels like the wolves are circling and I need to make a decision.
Today is my 33rd birthday. Melissa did a great job of making it special, regardless of me being sick and in bed all day.
Something has occurred to me over this last week of events. I spend so much of my energy and talents building things for other people. I basically rent myself out, but, if I kept what I have and used it for myself and invested in myself then maybe I can find what it is I’m looking for.
No matter where I go, how successful I am, all my work and time is invested into someone else’s machine. While my own is bypassed or set on the shelf for another year. I do have talents that can be used to pursue my own endeavors for myself. I think my own growth can come from taking risks on my own behalf.
I’m ready to let go of whatever I need to let go of. Walk away from whatever I need to walk away from. A man can’t truly find success in building another mans empire, at-least I now know I can’t. I feel right now that after another 20 years of this, I may end up with a gold watch and plaque on a wall somewhere that says, “thank you for your service”
I say fuck that!
Doing what’s in your heart to do takes risk, and hard work. I’m simply moving beyond taking risks and working hard for other people. It may take some time, but I believe in my heart this is the path I should be taking. So I’m going to take it!
I read some more into some things Mom sent me today. Finally had a few moments. Yesterday we flew to Long Beach to meet another school about a maintenance technician school. I had sometime on the flight over.
Some of what I read speaks about not trying to rid yourself of the stress, anger, and frustration. It goes along with some things that a friend of mine Chris spoke to me about. He said feel into the emotions as opposed to letting them control you. It’s easy to say and harder to just recognize the emotion, feel through it, let it be apart of you for a minute, and then release it.
Victim Vs Owner is something in my moms writing that really struck me. Today I hit a hard wall at work and I had a moment where I could respond to a person attacking me a hundred different ways. I wanted to lash out, hit hard, and then fight to the finish. This is my number one go to when that adrenaline starts to flow.
When you have my personality and drive, even in your most innocent moments and endeavors some people feel it necessary to attack you. It’s funny because I don’t see myself as an asshole or an overbearing type. But maybe I can be I don’t really know. But, I don’t seem to get to walk far without someone somewhere trying to hinder me. My integrity has stood and spoken for me more times than I can count.
Back to my moment. I reread the part about being an owner as opposed to a victim. I sat in my office and took a deep breath and responded. I believe it was a disarming response, because it ended the conversation. Once I responded it left my mind and I felt a settling peace. It was good practice.
Typically, even with a good response I would have let that stew in my mind and heart all day. Turning and turning and keeping my heart rate up. This seemed to work well. At least for this moment.
Today was one of those days were one thing piles onto another and so on. Until you just take off your glasses and put your head in your hands for a half hour.
Once I came back up, I just wanted to the day to end, there was still more shit to be piled.
I started my day in court, and as I said before even things that can feel like victories and not. They still hurt, and crush your spirit.
My mom sent me some stuff I’m reading through about how the harder I try to release the stress the harder the stress pushes back on me. I can definitely feel that.
I sat and wrote a song tonight. First one in a year or so. It helped me push some of this out of me in a more positive way than drinking. Although a few shots of whiskey sounded delightful.
Today was a very successful day at work. I accomplished a ton and moved some major projects forward.
There were a couple moments today though that I sat and the thoughts of my finances, legal battle, and other struggles ran across my mind. I shook my head and sat there for a moment and let the fear wash over me. I noticed my stress level rise, my heart start to beat and I lost focus.
Fortunately I was so busy with work that I refocused on my task at hand and moved on.
The stress, fear, and frustration is just there under the surface. I wonder if it will always be there or if it can eventually go away. There always seems to be something just under the skin and when I take notice it grows into an overwhelming cancer. I worry that if I don’t do something to fix it, it will get worse and overwhelm, yet there doesn’t seem to be anything I can really do about it.
My biggest, confusing, and fearful question is what do I do about it? Do I ignore it all or try to fix it all?
Today was one of those days that there was way too much to accomplish and not enough time. I was able to focus and prioritize and get some stuff done.
My lawyer called this morning and I felt that ball of stress rolling around in my stomach and that anger building up. I stood out in the ramp and watched a couple helicopters take off, took a couple deep breaths and refocused.
I like days like this, where the work load can eclipse the Bullshit going on in my head and I can focus. It is strange to me how extreme pressure focuses my thoughts into one stream. It doesn’t make the situation any less stressful but it is productive.
I know being busy isn’t a substitute for moving beyond where I currently am within myself. It is a nice reprieve for the day.
When I finally slow down for the day all the bullshit is still there, just waiting to jump into my head and start swirling around.
Im going to attempt to get up early and do my Wim Hoff meditation and yoga again. It does help, although it doesn’t really fix the root problem, which I still don’t know exactly what that is.