Its been a while since I have written on this blog and I have done myself a diservice by refraining from writing. My good friend and counselor Bob Nichols told me once that writing was my most important outlet and I should use it to help me. I have failed in doing so and hope to remedy that moving forward.
This is entitled Truth & Honesty, so lets start with the down and dirty of it all. I am a divorcee struggling with multiple addictive tendencies and a mind that will just not slow down.
With every success I find, I seem to find more struggles and more fights to be fought. I currently can’t seem to find the end of the war and every day is a new battle.
I am currently in a legal battle with my ex wife that is draining me; physically, financially, and spiritually. As these stresses come I find myself dealing with them in the same unhealthy ways I have always dealt with stress. The funny thing is that I always seem to find myself in these great struggles that I impose on myself. I function and think best when I am in those fight or flight moments, yet, I never seem to choose flight I always choose to fight. When you choose to fight, you choose to lose something. There is no war, no struggle and no decision to fight that does not accompany a lose.
I am on a path that I have asked God for, yet it seems most days that he is not in it. Here is the prayer I have been praying for three years now,
“Father, make me a man of greatness, a man of renown and wisdom. Bless me and help me to bring a great portion of your kingdom to earth. Be with me always, guide my heart and direct my feet. Prosper me and help me to change the world”
Since I first wrote this prayer and began praying it, I have been divorced, struggled professionally almost losing my career, struggled with addictions, and I am currently nearing financial collapse. Asking God for such a thing has seem to rip apart every aspect of my life.
In order to be obedient and try to find peace, I am going to use this platform to speak my heart and will write daily of where I am spiritually and emotionally. I hope to be raw, real and to put myself in words as best I can.
In the interim I must say that I have found a wonderfully wise and amazing woman that has seen theses struggles and loves me regardless. Melissa, thank you for your unwavering support as I walk this path.