April 7 18

Today was my day to celebrate Aidens birthday with him. He’s turning 9 and we made it a big one. Took a group of his closest friends down to St George for Fiesta Fun. He said it was his best birthday yet.

Last year his mother and i tried to do it together and it was forced and he felt that. He didn’t enjoy his birthday and I swore to myself I would make sure his birthdays are always the best one yet.

Personally I’m trying to learn how to trust God with my legal and financial BS that is happening. I’m in a place where I have no choice. I’m going to drive myself crazy if I continue allowing fear to run my thought processes.

J. Cole

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April 4 18

In my current situation in my legal battle, even a day of victory is somewhat bitter. Small victories are comforting because you finally stop losing for once and start really fighting back. But you know it’s just more damage being done. The war is far from over, but little victories tend to reinvigorate the fight. I hope in all this I can be the son written about by Douglas MacArthur,

Douglas MacArthur said, “Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.”

J. Cole

APRIL 3 2018

Short entry today.

My thoughts are all jumbled up and all over the place. Can’t really formulate an idea at this moment.

As this legal battle ensues it makes for some tough days. I know I’m not supposed to fear and what’s going to happen will happen. But those ideas don’t make walking it out any easier. I think everyone fears in the beginning, atleast for a little bit of the journey.

Breaking is necessary yet the process sucks. I think that’s where I am now, the breaking moments. Where the mind, will, heart, and emotions get taken down a few notches and reset.

J. Cole

April 2 18

I woke this morning with a message from my mom. She basically said, that my thoughts, actions, and reactions were being done out of fear. Fear of what could happen if I lose everything.

She reminded me of another thing Bob Nichols speaks about and that is determining what the absolute worst outcome could be, come to terms with that and then don’t let fear control you.

She also started teaching me about Landmark Education and a leadership course she has been attending. I hope to get some more from her on this new idea if thinking through tough situations.

Today was a very stress filled day at work, ended up working a few hours late. When I got home I cleaned a bit, ate, and did some meditating and breathing exercises for a while. It was good to go into my office and decompress in a positive way. I’m hoping to get back on my morning schedule tomorrow. We shall see how that works.

I will leave you with a note Melissa wrote on my office wall for me while I was away. “There is enough fire inside you to out hell to shame, but you are pretending to be water for someone who is too afraid to handle the demons inside. Stop crushing the thing that makes you! Embrace the flames. Be whole again for yourself and No One Else!”

J. Cole

April 1 18

So today was a bitter sweet day. I missed my kiddos dearly, but got to celebrate Easter with Melissa and her kids. I did do Easter baskets and a fun day yesterday for Natalie and Aiden. Although, my little Natalie was sick.

After the hammer that came down for me yesterday and my subsequent wallowing in self pity, I called my dad. For those of you that know my father you will understand his wisdom and why these calls are important. He did remind me of a few things and calmed my spirit down quite a bit.

So, as I said in my earlier post I have been struggling with addictive tendencies. Primarily, whiskey and tobacco. “The old two partners” are my go to relief from stress. Which is only a temporary relief. But, it is relief.

As I have found a portion of success in my career and personal life, I have been unbalanced on the stress to success scales. I have had way more stress in all avenues of life for the amount of success I have found.

God told me a few months ago that this would be my year of growth and prosperity, but I have to lay somethings down, namely my “old two partners” which I have struggled with immensely. It’s not an every day habit or anything like that, or that I can not function on my own. But when I have those heavy stress days, (one or two a week) it is my go to wind down. I’ve tried many different avenues of finding other ways. I’ve done meditation, prayer, yoga, working out, ect… nothing seems to slow my mind down as well as a couple shots of the old brown barrel.

This may come as a shock to some of you, but I am very high strung, fast moving, and relentless. My dad has called me Jared Cole Train most of my life. And as I can tell you, it is hard to slow down a coal train. Which has been my biggest fight. Not to lose my ferocity, but to be able to “switch off”.

Truth & Honesty

Its been a while since I have written on this blog and I have done myself a diservice by refraining from writing. My good friend and counselor Bob Nichols told me once that writing was my most important outlet and I should use it to help me. I have failed in doing so and hope to remedy that moving forward.

This is entitled Truth & Honesty, so lets start with the down and dirty of it all. I am a divorcee struggling with multiple addictive tendencies and a mind that will just not slow down.

With every success I find, I seem to find more struggles and more fights to be fought. I currently can’t seem to find the end of the war and every day is a new battle.

I am currently in a legal battle with my ex wife that is draining me; physically, financially, and spiritually. As these stresses come I find myself dealing with them in the same unhealthy ways I have always dealt with stress. The funny thing is that I always seem to find myself in these great struggles that I impose on myself. I function and think best when I am in those fight or flight moments, yet, I never seem to choose flight I always choose to fight. When you choose to fight, you choose to lose something. There is no war, no struggle and no decision to fight that does not accompany a lose.

I am on a path that I have asked God for, yet it seems most days that he is not in it. Here is the prayer I have been praying for three years now,

“Father, make me a man of greatness, a man of renown and wisdom. Bless me and help me to bring a great portion of your kingdom to earth. Be with me always, guide my heart and direct my feet. Prosper me and help me to change the world”

Since I first wrote this prayer and began praying it, I have been divorced, struggled professionally almost losing my career, struggled with addictions, and I am currently nearing financial collapse. Asking God for such a thing has seem to rip apart every aspect of my life.

In order to be obedient and try to find peace, I am going to use this platform to speak my heart and will write daily of where I am spiritually and emotionally. I hope to be raw, real and to put myself in words as best I can.

In the interim I must say that I have found a wonderfully wise and amazing woman that has seen theses struggles and loves me regardless. Melissa, thank you for your unwavering support as I walk this path.

J.Cole

10 things I learned starting over at 31 

1. Find yourself and be yourself. Your flaws, regardless of the work you put in to change them will always be apart of who you have become. 
2. Love doesn’t have to be hard, and when you find that person that makes it easy hold on to them. 
3. Don’t take life so seriously. It’s already hard enough, try to enjoy it. 
4. Don’t take yourself so seriously, embrace your weird. 
5. Learn how to laugh at everything, seriously, laughter changes everything and every moment. 
6. Money is a tool you can use to either better your life or make it worse. Use it to make memories. Don’t let it become a stress. 
7. Sometimes you need to stay up late, drink too much, and make a fool of yourself. It’s good for you.
8. Let down your guard. The best things in life happen when you stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. 
9. Put yourself above all else, because when you are right with yourself you can be right with the world around you. 
10. Never ever ever ever take anything for granted. Appreciate your success, your failures, your pain, and every single thing you have walked through. 

One more thing.  Number 11. 
11. Love is literally the only thing in life that really matters. Love yourself, love your family, love that person that makes your come alive inside (Melissa Hendrix), and love the world you live in. You only have one shot! You might as well enjoy it.